A highly scientific ranking of the proverbial new kids on the block

Welcome! Here at Kitchen Sink Sports, we love names—especially baseball names. So, we’re back for another year of Best Baseball Names: Draft Edition.

Last year was a fine year for labels. A couple of favorites: Kruz Schoolcraft and Ike Irish. Both decent at baseball, allegedly. It is not necessarily how they play, but what we call them along the way.

The 2026 MLB Draft ended… well, a while ago. But, hey—better late than never! After reading through the picks, I can say most names felt like marbles in the mouth, and that isn’t a good thing. I was looking for the funny, the clever, the surprising, the regular word, or the odd animal. Overall, good not great year for names.

Without further ado, here are my breakout stars from the first five rounds.

First Round Standouts

The first round brought us some immediate heavy hitters in the name game:

• Roch Cholowsky (Chicago White Sox, pick #1) – First in the draft, but not in my heart (of names). Now maybe, with a $10.35m signing bonus, I could be convinced. It is a pretty hard name.
• Jared Grindlinger (Anaheim Los Angeles Angels, pick #12) – Sounds kinda dirty and also like a fun name to mis-yell; not unlike Rowengartner.

• Ryder Helfrick (Arizona Diamondbacks, pick #15) – Hell-Rider, anyone? If not, his last name sounds like a good Christian soldier trying not to curse: “Gosh doggonit, helfrick!”
• Justin Lebron (Cincinnati Reds, pick #18) – Is Lebron the GOAT? Embrace debate.
• Cameron Flukey (Detroit Tigers, pick #22) – Hope it’s not a fluke!

Second Round Baddies

• Cole Prosek (Chicago White Sox, pick #41) – Smells like a big pharma sponsorship incoming…
• Ty Head (Baltimore Orioles, pick #46) – It is like Yogi Berra said, “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.”
• Rocco Maniscalco (St. Louis Cardinals, pick #50) – You just know his diet is mostly carbonara and cold cuts.

Competitive Balance Picks

• Mulivai Levu (Cincinnati Reds, pick #70) – Coolest name I’ve ever heard. No bollocks (short for hyperbolics). I’m intrigued.

Mid-Round Name Magic

This is where the real names are.

• Gavin Giese (Tampa Bay Rays, Round 3) – Let’s hope he is a better person than the infamous Goose Gossage.
• Max Yehl (Kansas City Royals, Round 3) – Best enjoyed at maximum volume.
• Ruger Riojas (Philadelphia Phillies, Round 3) – You don’t see a lot of Rugers these days.
• Collin Bland (Tampa Bay Rays, Round 4) – The human equivalent of oatmeal.
• Will Brick (Toronto Blue Jays, Round 4) – What will brick, will brick.
• Steele Murdoch (Minnesota Twins, Round 5) – The newest protagonist in a Tom Clancy novel.
• Trey Beard (Miami Marlins, Round 5) – What cute stubble he must have!
• LJ Mercurius (Arizona Diamondbacks, Round TBD) – I’m mer and mer curious every day.
• Bear Harrison (New York Yankees, Round 5) – Obviously, he’s a catcher. And, he probably throws with his bear hands.
• Aidan Knaak (Milwaukee Brewers, Round 5) – Lots of knaak knaak jokes in that household.

Final Awards

Team with the best names through the first five rounds is…

Arizona Diamondbacks — Ryder Helfrick and LJ Mercurius. That’s not a draft class; that’s a fantasy paperback series.

Did I miss anyone? Sound off in the comments.

Until next time—cheers!

Sarah