The Masters, a tradition unlike any other. The best major of the year, at the greatest golf course money can build. It’s truly a special week, and a special place. It’s a weekend of golf that feels stuck in the past. Thank god they’ve made some adjustments so it’s not COMPLETELY stuck in the past. Like finally allowing women to join the club.

One of the many traditions of The Masters is the Champions Dinner. On the Tuesday before the tournament starts, all the living former champions are invited for a dinner hosted by the previous year’s winner. As we know, Scottie has won two of the past three years, and let me tell you, that Texan did quite the job this year with his menu. And after reading through it, there is no way in HELL I’m putting any money on any of the attendees to win this year.

Let’s dive in. 

To start off, Scottie went with some light appies.

First, some cheeseburger sliders, served “Scottie-style”. What does that mean? It’s a burger topped with french fries. Sounds like an animal style double-double from In-n-Out. That bad boy is going in, and then straight out.

Next we’ve got some firecracker shrimp, served with some sweet thai chili and sriracha mayo. Something a little spicy to really heat things up. But don’t worry, he brings it down a hair with the next course.

Papa Scheff’s meatball and ravioli bites. Is this a joke? Appetizers? Who are we kidding. This is a full Texas meal, and I can’t imagine the crowd was thrilled.

Ok, now onto the “first course”. Holy shit, these fellas are in for a ride. You’re gonna love what comes next. 

TEXAS STYLE CHILI. With jalapeños. That room must have been smelling like a special breed of stench at this point. In the words of Fuzzy Zoeller, the 1979 champion, “It was a five-alarm fire. I had to call the fire department to blow it out.”

Check your pants, big dog.

For the main course, Scottie went with a chicken caesar salad.

Just kidding. The dude served “wood-fired cowboy ribeyes or blackened redfish”. From what I read, not a single person chose the redfish. So we’re packing in the protein on top of the beans they just ingested. 

And to top it off? A warm chocolate chip skillet cookie with vanilla bean ice cream. I hope they had lactaid.

Holy SPHINCTER. Was this Scotties master plan for a third win? He’s putting these guys out of competition before it even starts.

This guy is diabolical. I know it was two days before the first tee time, but a dinner like that would knock out a mortal for a week. But I guess these are no mortals.

The only thing I’m betting on these guys is the over/under of Tums they eat through the tournament. 

Good luck to all the competitors. I know Augusta added some trees to the course this year; I hope they also added a porta-potty to every tee box.